New Mom Chronicles

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March 30, 2007
 
November 4th, 2007

March 31st, 2008

Today - July 9th, 2008

I think they like each other. :) from NewMom on Vimeo.

Ah, the 70's

Being the third child, there are not many mementos from my childhood.  No baby book, no overflowing photo albums, etc.  I accept this, and know that if we had 3 kids, the youngest would be in much the same situation as I.  My mom has moved several times since I was young, and each time a person moves the 'stuff' gets paired down slimmer and slimmer.  I didn't think that my mom really kept much of anything from when I was a baby...until I received a box in the mail a few weeks ago...

These were all my clothes when I was a little girl.  There will be more pictures to come.  It's supposed to get crazy warm here this week, and I have lots of cute little summer outfits to dress her up in!  Wee fun!

Practicing her Royal Wave

Mother's Day weekend was a blast!  Saturday, I met some girlfriends to get my nails done, and had a lovely yummy dinner at Catherine & Jason's house.  I was a little concerned about Zoe's schedule and sleeping, especially since I was going to be putting her down to sleep at Catherine's house.  I should've known it would all be fine.  She went down so easily, woke up for the car ride home, and then was quickly back to sleep in her crib.  Sunday morning I opened my flowers (accompanied by a lovely, heartfelt card from my DH) in bed, was made an amazing French toast breakfast, and then took a nap - which we all know is like sex, chocolate, and diamonds to a busy Momma!  That afternoon, we met a coworker of Husband's and his family at a campsite in Half Moon Bay, right on the beach for some afternoon grilling and kite flying!  This couple has a lovely daughter named Ella, and she had some SUPER neat toys!  One in particular was the Push Around Buggy. Wow.  Zoe cried in protest every time we had to take her out of it!

Her Daddy took her for a ride around the campground...

She waved the whole entire time.  And smiled and laughed.

Too adorable.  This is later on when we had to put her coat and warm hat on.  And the shoes.  Check out the shoes!!

I'm so lucky to be the mama of this sparkly little girl!

Coming soon: The First Birthday Video!  I can't wait to show you!!!

Napping at the Beach

As promised!

Naptime at Ocean Beach from NewMom on Vimeo.
Waking up on the beach from NewMom on Vimeo.

Vacation! At home!

Y'all are probably wondering - where the hell's the One Year Old post?!??  Well, it's on its way.  I made the egregious error of using a free - but highly rated - but, nonetheless, free program to make a 5 minute long compilation video of Zoe's first year on the planet.  And then couldn't make that file into a file that could be uploaded, or downloaded, or even reliably viewed.  So, now my fancy dancy filmmaker neighbor, and favorite Sicilian Uncle to Zoe, and very awesome babysitter, is reworking it into something that can actually be used by me, and viewed by you!  It's coming soon.  Stay tuned.

In the meantime...we've just had the most beautiful weather here in SF!  This last weekend was almost as good as a vacation.  We putzed around the house during morning nap, made picnic lunches, and walked out to the beach and parked our butts in the sand for a few hours.  But the best thing about warm weather in SF?  The SUMMER BABY CLOTHES!!! 

Check it:

This is the mussed up just-woke-up look.  In't she precious??

Hangin' at the Park Chalet with the rest of San Francisco.

Fun at the beach!

Singing Miss Zoe to sleep...

[videos to follow!!! Check back!]

I so love SF. And my neighborhood.  And my family.  I'm so damn lucky.

Uh-oh.

We have crawling.

Crawling! from NewMom on Vimeo.

Eleven Month Letter

Dear Miss Zoe,

As I sit here typing, you are napping peacefully in your crib.  Since last I wrote, you have mastered waving 'hi' and also waving 'bye', although you will not wave 'bye' until the person has left your line of sight.  You can clap, you have had your first real sickness, you have started pulling yourself up to standing, you are sleeping through the night (mostly), and you have started - just barely - to crawl.  You get that your knees move one after the other, but will only do it for about two seconds before you get frustrated and sit up, putting your hands up in the air look for my hands to pull you up to standing.  Standing is your new favorite thing.  You also love love love the back-breaking walk-while-mommy-holds-my-hands game.  Ouch.  As soon as you start moving forward, you start this happy, high-pitched, sing-songy babble that is just toooo cute.

When you were sick, we had to take you to the doctor's office a few times because you had a never ending fever.  The worst part, though, was your sore throat.  Poor poor baby.  What an awful thing.  You didn't want to eat and actually lost a half a pound over a week.  For a little one who just weighs about 20 pounds, that's pretty significant.  I'm sure that you've gained that back, though, because as soon as you got better I just started feeding you for as long as you would eat at each meal.  And that's a looooooong time.

Another exciting milestone is that you have started feeding yourself!  For a long time, you would just play in the food and squish it through your fingers, not realizing that it's supposed to go in your mouth.  But now, you have a grand ole time with cut up bananas, mangos, and goat cheese.  It's gotten so that if you don't have a little bowl of finger food on your tray, you get cranky and won't eat the regular food that I am feeding you.  Today I'll be cutting up some kiwi and cooking up some edamame so that we have some more finger food variety for you.  I swear you must eat an adult's portion of food at each meal!  It's getting tough to keep up with you!

You have developed a love for books in the last few months.  Your absolute FAVORITE that makes your eyes sparkle and your feet and hands wiggle is the Brown Bear book.  After that, is Dr. Suess' Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You?  You also love the Peekaboo book that Shasha made for you with all of our pictures, but that's a special special because you get so excited over it that I have to try to keep you from ripping the pages out.  We've started reading every morning in bed before we get up and start our day.

Our mornings are our special family time.  Daddy goes in to your room to greet you and say good morning, then brings you back to bed with him.  I nurse you and doze for a few minutes. When you're finished, you roll over and pat your Daddy on the back until he rolls over and smiles at you.  Then you play with his hair.  It's too precious.  And you're favorite thing?  Playing with his hair and my hair at the same time.  Eventually, Daddy gets up to make the coffee and your breakfast, and then we commence with reading time.  Finally, I motivate to get up out of bed and get you dressed for the day.

This is the only time, by the way, that you are ever happy on your changing table anymore.  It used to be your FAVORITE place to be!  And now, most of the times we change you up there, you arch your back and scream until we occupy you with something that you shouldn't be allowed to play with, like the Tylenol bottle or the face cream jar.  Whatever works.  It's just a juggling act to get you changed without you wiggling yourself off the table.

We are just on the precipice of you being Mobile.  I can't believe it, and selfishly I hope that we are not as close to it as I think we are.  I cringe at the thought of you falling and banging your head and/or face on things, but I know it will happen.  And when it does, I will not make a big huge deal out of it, and so it won't be a big huge deal.  But it will hurt my heart that you have been hurt, and of course the obligatory Mom Guilt will come to play and I will feel that SURELY I should have been able to prevent the fall.  I suppose this is just the beginning of my letting go and letting you have your experiences, even if they are hurtful ones.  All I can do is try to have a safe home for you to play in, and to give you the space you need to grow.

Believe me, a big part of me right now wishes that you could just stay this age forever.  You are so sweet and pure.  You don't know not to trust yet, and that is such a beautiful reminder of the goodness in us all.  But, then I think about you as a three year old, babbling on about your day at preschool and all the fun you had.  And then about you as an eight year old, practicing whatever instrument you've chosen.  And on and on...your first sleepover, getting your ears pierced on your twelfth birthday, your first dance.  I'm excited to see the toddler, the little girl, the young lady that you'll become.

But for now, your dad and I will just enjoy the heck out of the precious and happy angel baby that you are.  My heart overflows with the sparkles from all of your smiles.

Love you, Zoe.
Mama

Zoe's Birth - Part II, Labor & Delivery

PREFACE:

I started writing this post in July, 2007, soon after writing Part I, which you can find here:

Zoe's Birth - Part I, Intro & Prelabor

I was for some reason inspired to finish the post just today.  I suppose it's the upcoming celebration of Zoe's first birthday (!!!), and also the even-sooner celebration of her little friend Raine's first birthday.  Last year at this time, I had just had my Baby Shower, and was settling in, nesting my brains out.  Little did I know how long I would have to wait for Zoe's arrival!

Without further ado, here is rest of the story....

**************

At the end of my last post, I had just had my first contraction...

It literally made me get up out of bed.  It was 12:15 a.m., and both Husband and I needed nothing more than some sleep before my labor really took off.  Husband tried to sleep, while I tried to arrange about 10,000 pillows in such a way that I could get some rest.  I think I slept for about 20 minutes at one point.  Finally, at 2:30 or so I woke Husband up, saying something like, "I can't do this alone anymore."  We slow danced, and he held his hands on my lower back when I had contractions.  Horse lips were working for me at this point, and would help me to keep breathing and thinking "open, open, open" during my contractions.  Contractions?  Hurt.  Yep.  And just like every other woman I've ever talked to about birth, I can't explain how they felt.  It's weird, like that part of things has a swath of gauzy fabric laid over it, so that I can't really make out the edges.

At 3:30 a.m., Husband called our doula, Michelle.  He was telling her how I was doing.  I think I may have been in the shower at that time.  Michelle could hear me in the background, and with her Super Doula Powers, she could tell that I was about 3-5 minutes apart.  She's tries to make it a rule that she waits for a couple to ask her to come over, but after determining that I was probably farther along that we thought I was, she said to Husband, "Maybe I should just come over."  Needless to say, he jumped at the opportunity to have some non-laboring-woman company.  On her way to our house, she called my other doula and close friend, Star, and she started on her way from a city across the Bay.

Husband and I moved between the bedroom and the living room, lighting some candles and putting on a Birth Playlist from my iPod.  My house was covered in gorgeous flowers that BFF and her hubby had brought over a few days earlier, when they brought us dinner and a distraction from all of the labor-inducing strategies that we were employing on our own.  Michelle arrived at 4:15 a.m. and sent Husband to bed for some rest, and Star arrived soon after.  This is the first of many pictures that Michelle took:

That's what a woman in labor looks like.  Not too horrifying, huh?  That is, until you look at the look on Husband's face.  Deer. In. Headlights.  Poor guy.  He's such a trooper.

Star & Michelle both helped me, just staying with me, trying new positions and such.  The shower was the best, and I remember a time when it was just Star and I in the bathroom.  At this point, I had started to moan through contractions.  Horse lips just didn't cut it anymore.  My contractions were closer and closer together, and getting more intense.

At 6:15 a.m., it was time for the call that every laboring woman with a doula loves to hear - the call to the midwife saying that we'll be at the hospital soon.  So Husband and I are thinking, "Woo hoo!  Almost there!  Yipee!!"  Yeah. Right.  Michelle woke Husband and had him start packing the car with the enormous loads of STUFF that I had gathered for the birth, most of which of course we didn't use.  I was wearing a pink nightie, and actually managed to get my sweatshirt out of the drawer and put it on, because I'M GOING TO THE HOSPITAL!  THE BABY IS COMING NOW! YAYYAYYAYYAY!  I CAN DO ANYTHING!  I motivated like no one Michelle had ever seen to get down those stairs and into the car:

Oooh, attractive!  Aren't you happy I have no shame and will share these incredibly embarrassing photos of myself?  There was absolutely NO WAY that I could sit.  None at all.  So, here I am!  Hanging over the back seat of the car, holding a bowl in my hands in case I threw up.  On my way to the car, wouldn't you know it! It's garbage day!  And the garbage men are right in front of MY house, at just the right time. Oh, how nice. And, like my duck slippers?  Mmm, pretty.  The drive was hard at first, but got better over time.  Husband was thoughtful and took the highway, but I never realized how bumpy the roads are that get us the highway.  Ugh.  It took a lot of concentration and focus to get through that car ride.

We arrived at the hospital at about 7:30 a.m.  As I got out of the car to walk up the ramp to the hospital, I was handed a pillow and my teddy bear.  That's a nice picture, huh?  Me, in labor, with my hair in a yellow scrunchie, in a pink nightie, wearing a US Military Academy sweatshirt, duck slippers, and carrying my pillow and my teddy bear.  I made it all the way to the elevators, only having to stop once for a contraction.  Star & Michelle were with me, while Husband parked the car.  We arrived on the L&D floor, and my BFF was there in the waiting room ready to join us.  It was wonderful to see her there.  I had been at her birth when I was 9 months pregnant.  It was an amazing experience to be there to support her.  There was some doubt as to whether she would be able to be at mine, seeing as she had a 4 week old baby by that time.  But, at it turned out, she was there for the whole 12 hours or so before Zoe was born (yep) in the hospital, and her baby was really nice to her husband at home while she tended to me.  I think that her baby knew that her friend was on the way.

I saw that L&D Room 1 had its door open - one of the big rooms! Before they even told us where to go, I knew that was my room, and I headed in that direction, because SETTLED.  I needed to be SETTLED!  The room was not set up yet.  The midwifery practice that I chose resets the hospital rooms by moving the hospital bed to the side, laying out a futon, bringing out the birth ball and a birthing stool, and setting up a huge tub, big enough for both the mama and her partner to be completely submerged.  I hung in there until everything was ready for me.  Husband played some stuff on the iPod for me, and then made the mistake of asking me if I wanted him to put on some more music.  I said, unequivicolly, NO!  I was so in Labor Land.  From this point on, I think I opened my eyes maybe 3 times, for a few seconds each time.  I turned all my thoughts and energies inward; it was where I needed to be.

My midwife, Cynthia, checked me before I got into the tub - NINE CENTIMETERS!  Woo hoo!

At this point, Husband is thinking that we're almost there!  That we'll have the baby before lunchtime!  He was even daydreaming about the burritos that we would get from Papalote's...

Needless to say, I was not.  I avoided looking at the clock like the plague.  By the way, in the background you can see my dear friend and doula.  I think every picture taken, she was smiling like this.  So sweet.  My BFF is off to the right, and dear Husband is holding on to me.  I should stop to say here that everyone was SO GREAT.  Rock Star Super Doula Michelle, Dear Friend Doula Star, BFF, midwives, and save-the-best-for-last Husband.  He was so wonderful. I don't think there were more than just a few minutes when he didn't have a hand on me somewhere.  There was a point on the birthing stool where he was sitting behind me, and I really felt his strength; we were pushing together.  He did such a wonderful job of meeting me in Labor Land and supporting me with all of his might.  Good guy, that one is.

Three hours later, I was completely dilated to 10 centimeters.  There was a little time there when there was still a little lip of my cervix in the way, but Cynthia helped to push that back during a few contractions, and I was good to go!  Let the pushing begin!

 

**This is where I stopped my story in July.  It is now February.  Think maybe I had some unresolved feelings about what happened next...?

Over those 3 hours and the hours to come, I was on an iV for antibiotics because I was GBS+, I had an internal fetal monitor because they couldn't get a good read on Zoe's heartbeat with the external one, and I was given insulin and not allowed to eat because I had gestational diabetes and my sugars went too high for the hospital staff's liking.

I pushed for six hours, ladies & gentlemen.  Six. Hours. On the stool, on the bed, on the stool, on the bed, etc etc ad naseum.  I had gotten out of the tub to let gravity move things along, and, well...as it turns out, Zoe had a larger-than-average head, and her little arm was draped over her neck with her hand up by her head.  I kept making progress with every. push.  This is the thing nobody tells you - When everybody's saying "That's great progress!  We can see her head!"  What they really mean is, "One more half-millimeter, Whoopee!  We can see a little teensy tiny pea-sized spot of her head!" Ha!  But really, progress is progress, right?

Anywhoo, I was being closely followed by the OB on the floor, and she had some fears about my progression and the size of Zoe.  These fears were unfounded, but nonetheless, they had an impact on my experience of Zoe's birth.  After about 5 of those hours, I was growing very tired.  I can't imagine why?  I mean I had just eaten, oh, I don't know, TWELVE HOURS AGO!!!  Ugh.  Anyway, my body was tired, and in order to help my chances of pushing this baby out myself I took a little pitocin to get my uterus going a little stronger.  The contractions did get quite a bit stronger at that point, but I was still managing OK, and so was Zoe.  Still making progress, bit by bit.

Somewhere around this time, I was spiraling down the hole of despair, spinning out of Labor Land and into a place of fear.  I didn't know how I was going to continue.  I wasn't sure that I could do this anymore.  I just wanted Zoe OUT.  My BFF saw this, and she stepped up to the plate.  She came up behind me and said everthing that I needed to hear...Bring out your Warrior Woman, picture all the people who are sending you love and light right now, you can have anything you want, talk to your baby, breathe with me...the only option out of this pain is an epidural or c-secion.  I know you don't want those, and I know you can do this.

Amazing.  I don't know what I would have done without this.  Truly, truly special to have been through this experience of pregnancy together, to know so deeply what we want for our births and to be able to support that in such a tangible way.  Awesome.

Eventually, the OB came in and gave me what she felt were my options - C-Section or Vacuum Extraction, but really not the Vacuum because she didn't feel comfortable with that but she'd give me a half hour and see where I was after that and then I could make my decision.  I must've pushed my brains out, because when she came back, she felt I had made enough progress for her to be comfortable using the vacuum.  But we had to do it in the operating room in case I needed a crash c-section.  At this point?

PULL HER OUT OF ME PLEASE!  YES, WHATEVER!  LET'S GO GO GO GO!  NOW!

So, there was a flurry of activity, and off to the OR we went.  I will spare the details of my experience in the OR.  This is the time that I have the most trouble with - still, apparently.  As I sit here with my eyes welling up with tears.  What I can't reconcile, is the frenetic energy that the attending OB brought into Zoe's birth.  I am still mad at her for that, I suppose.

Husband, midwife Cynthia, midwife Yeshi, Super Doula Michele, our fabulous nurse Sasha (studying to be a midwife), the OB, anesthesiologist, and pediatric nurse and doc were in the OR with me. The OB pulled with the vacuum while I pushed.  Zoe's head came out!  YAY!  The rest is cake, right?  She'll just come flying out with the next push!  Um.  Why isn't she just sliding out? Like you see in the birth movies....?  I had to push Every. Motherloving. Inch. of that baby out of me.  But then she was out!  And she was beautiful!!!!!!!

Husband accompanied her to the warmer for a once over by the pediatric staff, then he brought my precious baby girl to me for the first time.

Such a gorgeous little Angel, which I believe is the first name that I ever called her.

And you would think that was that, but alas, no.  I have some good ideas about why this happened, but as it turned out, my placenta would not come out.  I had to have a manual extraction, and for that, dear readers, I took a spinal injection to numb me from the waist down.  Phew!

Zoe joined me after only 30 minutes away at the NICU, thanks to the constant prodding of one of my midwives.  We nursed, we got to know each other, and finally...we rested.

I am so proud of her birth and the decisions that I made along the way.  All happened as it was supposed to, and we were all safe and sound, healthy and happy on The Other Side.  Zoe was a real trooper, being stuck in that birth canal for so long.  But she didn't seem to mind - a true indicator of her characteristic mellowness.  I wouldn't go back and do it any other way.

I send my eternal thanks to everyone there -
~To my Husband for being such a rock,
~to my Super Doula Extraordinaire Michelle for helping me to feel safe,
~to my very special doula friend Star for holding my hand and bestowing such beautiful light and smiles upon me and my baby through this transition,
~to my BFF for supporting me in a way that only she could,
~to my midwives for running interference between me and my OB and allowing me the space to push my baby out and make my own decisions,
~and yes, even to the OB for supporting me in having a vaginal birth - no matter how scary it may have been for her.

My birth experience was beautiful, empowering, and transformative.  I wish the same for all women.

Love and kisses

Make a postcard - it's easy!

And a video, too, for your amusement!

Good morning! from NewMom on Vimeo.

Catch up, months 6-9

Dear Zoe,

Alrighty then!  You're 9 months old now, and boy oh boy, are you a blast!  You are such a sweet, sweet girl and I'm so lucky to get to be your mommy.  For lack of a better format (or rather, lack of the time to come up with a more creative and flowy format), here is a list of a few of the awesomely cute and quirky things you do...

Rev your engines!
Your Grandma was the first one to really notice how much you wiggled your feet.  You've done this since almost the very beginning.  Soon thereafter, you invited your hands to join in on the action.  Unless you are sleeping, you are almost always wiggling your hands.  Our friend Natasha pointed out that you look like you're riding a motorcycle, and she's spot on with that observation.  Now all I can think of when I see you wiggling is 'rev your engines!' and think we should dress you up as a biker chick for some occasion. Maybe the Gay Pride Parade...  ;-)  Ha!  (Those of you who live in SF, you know what I'm sayin...)

Sleepytime
Oh you are so incredibly S-W-E-E-T!  Also from the very beginning, you played with your hair when you were sleepy, reminiscent of me when I was a baby. That has continued, sometimes switching between my hair and your own. Now, you have added in petting your Magic Gigi Blanket and making little moaning sounds to put yourself to sleep. You rarely fall asleep in my arms anymore, needing me to put you down before you can settle in for sleep. When I put you down, you wiggle your hand up behind you, waiting for me to put the blanket over you so that you can pet it some more.

Naked time!
We have instituted a new addition to your bedtime routine, and that would be a massage and some naked time before jammies, book,rocking, nursing, and bed. You LOVE it! As soon as I start taking off your clothes you start to laugh. I know we're supposed to be calming down for bedtime, but you just get so excited and happy to be naked! You like to roll onto your tummy and rock back and forth on your knees with your little naked butt up in the air. When I put the massage oil on my hands and rub them together, you smile and giggle, ready for me give your your massage. I look forward to continuing this tradition throughout your childhood, giving us some nice quiet time for me to focus on you and unwind from our day.

Mmmmmm!
Could you love food any more? I think not. You like all food that you've ever been given, with the sole exception of beets. You often open your mouth wide, like a baby bird, for your next bite before you've even swallowed the last one. You like barley, and squash, and green beans, peas, carrots, pears, apples, bananas, and more. Your new favorite is melon. I squish up the meat of it and give you the rind to chew on. Jessie loves it too, because you eventually throw the rind on the floor for her to gobble up!

Doo dee doo. Whatever, man. I'm cool.
Still you are a very mellow baby.

(You wore these sunglasses for the whole trip to the flea market.  It was sunny!  You hate the sun in your eyes!)

Perhaps this is perfectly demonstrated by the fact that you are not crawling or walking yet. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm in no hurry for this! I firmly believe that you are just pleased as punch with wherever I put you, happy to play with the toys that are within reach, not in any hurry to get from point A to point B. I appreciate this very much. Thank you! Your laid back nature also shows up when you are playing with your friend Raine, who just might be the polar opposite of you! She's bopping around, using you as a prop to help herself get up or to walk from one side of the play pen to the other, pulling on you, grabbing your hair...and you could care less (within reason, of course). You just sit there and watch her, occasionally getting her back with a pull on her hair or grab at her barrette. But for the most part, you're just happy to be entertained by her. And it seems that she is happy to oblige.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOP

It appears that you have mastered just about every consonant in the alphabet during the course of your babbling. Dada, papa, nana, mama, gigi (it's true, you say your Grandmommy's name, but only when you're really pissed off! ha!), lala, tata, fafa, vava, etc. I don't know what this means for your speech development, but it sure is damn cute. We can sit you in your crib in the morning, and you just babble away playing with your toys.

Pirahna
Would you please stop biting us already? Good grief! Especially first thing in the morning, you try to get your little razor sharp baby teeth on anything that's nearby...my arm, hand, shoulder, hair. Anything. Teething has been difficult for you, but nothing we can't handle. You like your mesh feeder when we put frozen peas or green beans or carrots in it for you. Teething tabs help during the day, but we've gone to regularly pulling out the big guns (ibuprofen) for nighttime. We had a couple of harrowing nights that convinced me that it was better for you to have the drugs than for me to be a purist and not give you any. You have 6 teeth at the moment, 4 on top and 2 on bottom. I think there are 2 more on the bottom that are presently giving you trouble. I hope they come in soon, Baby.

So, this letter has been languishing in the 'Draft' folder for too long.  I have to go ahead and finish it up. An update to what I wrote 2 weeks ago, is that we have moved you to your crib, in your very own room.  You have now gone from waking and night nursing 3-4 times a night, to once a night, if that.  I'm so proud of you!  All of that falling asleep on your own...you were so ready.  It seemed like as soon as we started thinking about making the switch, you started making the switch, too.  Thank you, Zoe.  I couldn't have ever imagined that you'd be so intuitive and wonderful.

I will always love you,
Mama