PREFACE:
I started writing this post in July, 2007, soon after writing Part I, which you can find here:
Zoe's Birth - Part I, Intro & Prelabor
I was for some reason inspired to finish the post just today. I suppose it's the upcoming celebration of Zoe's first birthday (!!!), and also the even-sooner celebration of her little friend Raine's first birthday. Last year at this time, I had just had my Baby Shower, and was settling in, nesting my brains out. Little did I know how long I would have to wait for Zoe's arrival!
Without further ado, here is rest of the story....
**************
At the end of my last post, I had just had my first contraction...
It literally made me get up out of bed. It was 12:15 a.m., and both Husband and I needed nothing more than some sleep before my labor really took off. Husband tried to sleep, while I tried to arrange about 10,000 pillows in such a way that I could get some rest. I think I slept for about 20 minutes at one point. Finally, at 2:30 or so I woke Husband up, saying something like, "I can't do this alone anymore." We slow danced, and he held his hands on my lower back when I had contractions. Horse lips were working for me at this point, and would help me to keep breathing and thinking "open, open, open" during my contractions. Contractions? Hurt. Yep. And just like every other woman I've ever talked to about birth, I can't explain how they felt. It's weird, like that part of things has a swath of gauzy fabric laid over it, so that I can't really make out the edges.
At 3:30 a.m., Husband called our doula, Michelle. He was telling her how I was doing. I think I may have been in the shower at that time. Michelle could hear me in the background, and with her Super Doula Powers, she could tell that I was about 3-5 minutes apart. She's tries to make it a rule that she waits for a couple to ask her to come over, but after determining that I was probably farther along that we thought I was, she said to Husband, "Maybe I should just come over." Needless to say, he jumped at the opportunity to have some non-laboring-woman company. On her way to our house, she called my other doula and close friend, Star, and she started on her way from a city across the Bay.
Husband and I moved between the bedroom and the living room, lighting some candles and putting on a Birth Playlist from my iPod. My house was covered in gorgeous flowers that BFF and her hubby had brought over a few days earlier, when they brought us dinner and a distraction from all of the labor-inducing strategies that we were employing on our own. Michelle arrived at 4:15 a.m. and sent Husband to bed for some rest, and Star arrived soon after. This is the first of many pictures that Michelle took:
That's what a woman in labor looks like. Not too horrifying, huh? That is, until you look at the look on Husband's face. Deer. In. Headlights. Poor guy. He's such a trooper.
Star & Michelle both helped me, just staying with me, trying new positions and such. The shower was the best, and I remember a time when it was just Star and I in the bathroom. At this point, I had started to moan through contractions. Horse lips just didn't cut it anymore. My contractions were closer and closer together, and getting more intense.
At 6:15 a.m., it was time for the call that every laboring woman with a doula loves to hear - the call to the midwife saying that we'll be at the hospital soon. So Husband and I are thinking, "Woo hoo! Almost there! Yipee!!" Yeah. Right. Michelle woke Husband and had him start packing the car with the enormous loads of STUFF that I had gathered for the birth, most of which of course we didn't use. I was wearing a pink nightie, and actually managed to get my sweatshirt out of the drawer and put it on, because I'M GOING TO THE HOSPITAL! THE BABY IS COMING NOW! YAYYAYYAYYAY! I CAN DO ANYTHING! I motivated like no one Michelle had ever seen to get down those stairs and into the car:
Oooh, attractive! Aren't you happy I have no shame and will share these incredibly embarrassing photos of myself? There was absolutely NO WAY that I could sit. None at all. So, here I am! Hanging over the back seat of the car, holding a bowl in my hands in case I threw up. On my way to the car, wouldn't you know it! It's garbage day! And the garbage men are right in front of MY house, at just the right time. Oh, how nice. And, like my duck slippers? Mmm, pretty. The drive was hard at first, but got better over time. Husband was thoughtful and took the highway, but I never realized how bumpy the roads are that get us the highway. Ugh. It took a lot of concentration and focus to get through that car ride.
We arrived at the hospital at about 7:30 a.m. As I got out of the car to walk up the ramp to the hospital, I was handed a pillow and my teddy bear. That's a nice picture, huh? Me, in labor, with my hair in a yellow scrunchie, in a pink nightie, wearing a US Military Academy sweatshirt, duck slippers, and carrying my pillow and my teddy bear. I made it all the way to the elevators, only having to stop once for a contraction. Star & Michelle were with me, while Husband parked the car. We arrived on the L&D floor, and my BFF was there in the waiting room ready to join us. It was wonderful to see her there. I had been at her birth when I was 9 months pregnant. It was an amazing experience to be there to support her. There was some doubt as to whether she would be able to be at mine, seeing as she had a 4 week old baby by that time. But, at it turned out, she was there for the whole 12 hours or so before Zoe was born (yep) in the hospital, and her baby was really nice to her husband at home while she tended to me. I think that her baby knew that her friend was on the way.
I saw that L&D Room 1 had its door open - one of the big rooms! Before they even told us where to go, I knew that was my room, and I headed in that direction, because SETTLED. I needed to be SETTLED! The room was not set up yet. The midwifery practice that I chose resets the hospital rooms by moving the hospital bed to the side, laying out a futon, bringing out the birth ball and a birthing stool, and setting up a huge tub, big enough for both the mama and her partner to be completely submerged. I hung in there until everything was ready for me. Husband played some stuff on the iPod for me, and then made the mistake of asking me if I wanted him to put on some more music. I said, unequivicolly, NO! I was so in Labor Land. From this point on, I think I opened my eyes maybe 3 times, for a few seconds each time. I turned all my thoughts and energies inward; it was where I needed to be.
My midwife, Cynthia, checked me before I got into the tub - NINE CENTIMETERS! Woo hoo!
At this point, Husband is thinking that we're almost there! That we'll have the baby before lunchtime! He was even daydreaming about the burritos that we would get from Papalote's...
Needless to say, I was not. I avoided looking at the clock like the plague. By the way, in the background you can see my dear friend and doula. I think every picture taken, she was smiling like this. So sweet. My BFF is off to the right, and dear Husband is holding on to me. I should stop to say here that everyone was SO GREAT. Rock Star Super Doula Michelle, Dear Friend Doula Star, BFF, midwives, and save-the-best-for-last Husband. He was so wonderful. I don't think there were more than just a few minutes when he didn't have a hand on me somewhere. There was a point on the birthing stool where he was sitting behind me, and I really felt his strength; we were pushing together. He did such a wonderful job of meeting me in Labor Land and supporting me with all of his might. Good guy, that one is.
Three hours later, I was completely dilated to 10 centimeters. There was a little time there when there was still a little lip of my cervix in the way, but Cynthia helped to push that back during a few contractions, and I was good to go! Let the pushing begin!
**This is where I stopped my story in July. It is now February. Think maybe I had some unresolved feelings about what happened next...?
Over those 3 hours and the hours to come, I was on an iV for antibiotics because I was GBS+, I had an internal fetal monitor because they couldn't get a good read on Zoe's heartbeat with the external one, and I was given insulin and not allowed to eat because I had gestational diabetes and my sugars went too high for the hospital staff's liking.
I pushed for six hours, ladies & gentlemen. Six. Hours. On the stool, on the bed, on the stool, on the bed, etc etc ad naseum. I had gotten out of the tub to let gravity move things along, and, well...as it turns out, Zoe had a larger-than-average head, and her little arm was draped over her neck with her hand up by her head. I kept making progress with every. push. This is the thing nobody tells you - When everybody's saying "That's great progress! We can see her head!" What they really mean is, "One more half-millimeter, Whoopee! We can see a little teensy tiny pea-sized spot of her head!" Ha! But really, progress is progress, right?
Anywhoo, I was being closely followed by the OB on the floor, and she had some fears about my progression and the size of Zoe. These fears were unfounded, but nonetheless, they had an impact on my experience of Zoe's birth. After about 5 of those hours, I was growing very tired. I can't imagine why? I mean I had just eaten, oh, I don't know, TWELVE HOURS AGO!!! Ugh. Anyway, my body was tired, and in order to help my chances of pushing this baby out myself I took a little pitocin to get my uterus going a little stronger. The contractions did get quite a bit stronger at that point, but I was still managing OK, and so was Zoe. Still making progress, bit by bit.
Somewhere around this time, I was spiraling down the hole of despair, spinning out of Labor Land and into a place of fear. I didn't know how I was going to continue. I wasn't sure that I could do this anymore. I just wanted Zoe OUT. My BFF saw this, and she stepped up to the plate. She came up behind me and said everthing that I needed to hear...Bring out your Warrior Woman, picture all the people who are sending you love and light right now, you can have anything you want, talk to your baby, breathe with me...the only option out of this pain is an epidural or c-secion. I know you don't want those, and I know you can do this.
Amazing. I don't know what I would have done without this. Truly, truly special to have been through this experience of pregnancy together, to know so deeply what we want for our births and to be able to support that in such a tangible way. Awesome.
Eventually, the OB came in and gave me what she felt were my options - C-Section or Vacuum Extraction, but really not the Vacuum because she didn't feel comfortable with that but she'd give me a half hour and see where I was after that and then I could make my decision. I must've pushed my brains out, because when she came back, she felt I had made enough progress for her to be comfortable using the vacuum. But we had to do it in the operating room in case I needed a crash c-section. At this point?
PULL HER OUT OF ME PLEASE! YES, WHATEVER! LET'S GO GO GO GO! NOW!
So, there was a flurry of activity, and off to the OR we went. I will spare the details of my experience in the OR. This is the time that I have the most trouble with - still, apparently. As I sit here with my eyes welling up with tears. What I can't reconcile, is the frenetic energy that the attending OB brought into Zoe's birth. I am still mad at her for that, I suppose.
Husband, midwife Cynthia, midwife Yeshi, Super Doula Michele, our fabulous nurse Sasha (studying to be a midwife), the OB, anesthesiologist, and pediatric nurse and doc were in the OR with me. The OB pulled with the vacuum while I pushed. Zoe's head came out! YAY! The rest is cake, right? She'll just come flying out with the next push! Um. Why isn't she just sliding out? Like you see in the birth movies....? I had to push Every. Motherloving. Inch. of that baby out of me. But then she was out! And she was beautiful!!!!!!!
Husband accompanied her to the warmer for a once over by the pediatric staff, then he brought my precious baby girl to me for the first time.
Such a gorgeous little Angel, which I believe is the first name that I ever called her.
And you would think that was that, but alas, no. I have some good ideas about why this happened, but as it turned out, my placenta would not come out. I had to have a manual extraction, and for that, dear readers, I took a spinal injection to numb me from the waist down. Phew!
Zoe joined me after only 30 minutes away at the NICU, thanks to the constant prodding of one of my midwives. We nursed, we got to know each other, and finally...we rested.
I am so proud of her birth and the decisions that I made along the way. All happened as it was supposed to, and we were all safe and sound, healthy and happy on The Other Side. Zoe was a real trooper, being stuck in that birth canal for so long. But she didn't seem to mind - a true indicator of her characteristic mellowness. I wouldn't go back and do it any other way.
I send my eternal thanks to everyone there -
~To my Husband for being
such a rock,
~to my Super Doula Extraordinaire Michelle for helping me to feel
safe,
~to my very special doula friend Star for holding my hand and bestowing
such beautiful light and smiles upon me and my baby through this transition,
~to
my BFF for supporting me in a way that only she could,
~to my midwives
for running interference between me and my OB and allowing me the space
to push my baby out and make my own decisions,
~and yes, even to the OB
for supporting me in having a vaginal birth - no matter how scary it
may have been for her.
My birth experience was beautiful, empowering, and transformative. I wish the same for all women.
